A 'Hearty' Conversation

My good friend Patrick R. suffered a mild heart attack on Saturday morning at his suburban home. Patrick is only 40 years old, and according to most, way too young for that sort of thing to happen, in spite of his being borderline diabetic, drinking too much caffeine, and smoking two packs of cigarettes a day. I never bother Patrick when it comes to his health. Nagging him about health and money is his wife’s job, and I leave it to her to convince him as to what he needs to be doing. He worries more about others than he does himself, and pushes off his own health concerns one day later and another and another until this happens. A heart attack is a serious wake-up call, and I am sure that Patrick hears this one loud and clear.

Patrick woke up unexpectedly at 5:00 in the morning with recurring, severe heartburn, and then decided that it was time to go to the emergency room. He woke up his wife and said, “I’m going to drive myself to the hospital. If you want to come along, get dressed.” When I heard the story the first time, my shock was not over his attitude or even the heart attack, but rather the surprise at Patrick being awake at 5 am! In either case, one cannot accuse him of being melodramatic. Like the worrying and the nagging, I guess the drama is the wife’s job, too. She is a sweet person, but she operates on a different wavelength than her husband. Patrick and I share a sense of Stoicism that masks our fears in short sentences, jokes, and moments of seclusion. Perhaps that is why our blatant differences don’t hinder our friendship.

Seeing him in lying in hospital bed, with all sort of tubes and monitors attached to and through him, did not move me to sympathy or tears as I thought it might. I am not a complete asshole or totally insensitive to the sufferings of others, but I do put things in their perspective and since he was in a good medical facility and under excellent care, there was no reason for me to act out or worry needlessly. I most gladly delegate that role to his wife, who can do enough fretting and worrying for the lot of us even when things are going quite well. So far, Patrick is doing as well as can be expected. Some serious arterial blockage has been removed and he has many people around him for support. I should be so lucky to have so many people to care about me.

Patrick is former Baptist minister and is currently involved in a new program that offers new ways of thinking and doing for Pastors and others of strong Christian faith. As you probably must be aware by now, Patrick and I do not see eye to eye on many things. It is fortunate that he isn’t one of those Biblical Literalists or holy rollers that quote Scriptures or breathe Hell-Fire, and because of this pleasant fact, I have been able to glean a few good ideas from him during the course of our friendship. He has brought positive change to many people (and himself) over the years, and deserves credit for saving marriages, careers, and the families of those who seek his counsel.

Sometimes those of the religious bent who rely on metaphor or parable do get it right, though not always in the way they intend it. Patrick speaks a lot about “God’s Way vs. Man’s Way” in his course, and from time to time, he bounces his ideas off me to get my reaction or input. I get more from him than he does from me, I’m sure. One such abstraction or metaphor that I found very useful was that of life being a conversation, a concept not unlike the idea of social norms and education providing a script to live by. This ‘conversation’ takes place on all levels, but it is within the individual that the ‘conversation’ is processed. It comes down to finding what is meaningful to you, and focusing in upon that meaning to know whether or not it creates for you what you want or only mires you deeper in your habitual misery.

It is very similar to the idea of self-fulfilling prophecies. If I believe that life is going to be hard, and that everyone is out to get me, then everything I see and hear will do nothing but confirm that thinking, and my subsequent actions will bring those ‘realities’ to fruition. I have seen this more than enough times in my own experience to know it as a truism. Putting this phenomena in terms of a ‘conversation’, my relationship with the world I am involved, allows me to change the tone and tenor of my interactions, so much so, that life almost instantly changes along with it. I gain a new perspective by simply changing how I engage my reality. An old saying about honey, bees, and vinegar comes to mind.

This notion is basic common sense and no real epiphany at all. As the Yiddish expression goes “Tracht gut und vehrt zeyn gut.” That positive thinking brings positive results should come as no surprise to anyone. Everyone knows this without ever attending self-development seminars or earning psychology degrees. Yet, hearing it repeatedly, or even preaching its gospel, isn’t quite enough. One has to become open to its import, since even an obvious and practical truth can remain obscured by an overwhelming pre-existing social or emotional condition. We hold onto the ideas that hurt us because we are either unaware of the damage they cause, just plain used to them, or bound by an outside principle or influence that impedes our ability to break through our set patterns of behavior. It is normal for everyone to experience the suggestion to change in this way, even when one knows that the current ‘conversation’ is not producing the desired results. Sometimes the way an idea is conveyed becomes key to opening the psyche to it, helping a concept to break through deeply entrenched and stubborn barriers to its practical application.

Insanity is generally defined as ‘doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.’ Ignorance is the refusal to consider anything different from what one is accustomed to, from either stubbornness or pride. Society may declare me completely mad, but I will not ever allow myself to stoop to ignorance or the insanity that follows. My madness drives me to be different. Insanity compels one to remain exactly the same.

I ought to thank Patrick for helping me to ‘break through’ some more old patterns of thinking. He offered me nothing in the way of new knowledge, but he did, via a well-placed analogy, impel a willingness for me to finally implement the idea. This ‘conversation’ became yet another valuable instrument in a veritable workshop of tools for self-discovery and inner reflection.

Many thanks, best wishes, and a speedy recovery!

(However, don’t be expecting me to pray.)

“...man is continually revolting against an effect without, while all the time he is nourishing and preserving its cause in his heart.” (James Allen, from As A Man Thinketh, circa 1890)

“If any man can convince and show me that I do not think or act right, I will gladly change; for I seek truth, by which no man was ever injured. Only he who abides in error or ignorance comes to real harm.” (Aurelius 121-180 AD, from Meditations)