Doing the 'Nasty' is Nasty?

In Yoinoson Schreiber’s posting “You've Had Quite Enough Already”, Yoinoson brings up a good question regarding the sexual and social boundaries the halacha establishes around sex and intimacy. He asked there that comments be post-card-sized and I obeyed his wishes there. I’d like to give the longer version here. Please read his post.

I don’t know what sort of instruction Orthodox Jewish women receive regarding sex and intimacy from their mechanchim outside of the Laws of Nidus. I don’t know if they get any tips on how to make it pleasurable or how to please themselves and their husbands. I have no idea what ideas religious girls may or may not share amongst themselves. I don’t know if they have sexual fantasies, nor do I believe many of them have any sexual secrets they are hiding from parents or teachers. I just plain don’t know unless somebody tells me, and even then, I’d be very skeptical. Maybe I had a sheltered adolescence.

I do know what I was told about sex, and that amounts to basically nothing outside the religious rules and regulations which, for the most part, force one to do absolutely nothing. There is a Gemara, for example, (someone remind me where it is) that tells of a Tana, upon having to meet his marital obligation (sex with his own wife), behaves as if some evil demon has overtaken his body! I’ve had some pretty strong erections, but I’m not sure I would describe it as a ‘demonic possession.’ What this little passage of Talmud reflects is an attitude toward a man’s sexual desire, even for his own wife, that underlies Orthodox thinking. If you think the Catholics are crazy, try this short list of do’s and don’ts on for size.

1) Masturbation is strictly forbidden. In Hebrew it is referred to as Zera L’vatala, which translates as ‘wasted seed’. If you remember the Monty Python movie song “Every Sperm Is Sacred”, you will understand the gist here. Sex is primarily for procreation. This is also why anal sex, oral sex, and hand jobs are also stricken from the list of Orthodox Jewish sexual acts. If the sperm don’t go where they are supposed to, something is very wrong in Williamsburg. (On the plus side, if it weren’t for masturbation, there would be no Breslover Chasidim.)

2) Sexual thoughts are forbidden. The Gemara says that “one who looks at nakedness, will eventually become impotent.” Even the thought or incidental sighting of anything remotely erotic will doom you to not having your ‘winky’ work when you finally get the chance. (It’s true that one could ‘burn out’ from constant arousal, but catching a glimpse of a fine piece of ass or imagining yourself making love to one of the occasional female commentors on your blog is not what I’d call an addiction. )

3) Wet dreams are a sign of spiritual deficiency. Having a wet dream on Yom Kippur means real trouble. It isn’t enough that your adolescent male body is raging with hormones imposed upon you by the cruel nature that HaShem created you in, but you have to actually feel guilty because of your biology! We blame the toilet because it flushes!

4) Do not sleep on your back or stomach. Either position causes wet dreams. This is true. To date, I have never had a wet dream when awake. Wet dreams, or nocturnal emissions, are not caused by sexual thoughts. I have had more than a few, and the dream parts had no sexual content.

5) One should not hold one’s penis when urinating since that might arouse one to masturbation. This explains the urine stained walls in our mikvahs, and also why Jewish wives hire shikzas to clean the bathroom. Jewish men can aim properly, we’re just not allowed to.

6) A man should approach his wedding bed as one would his death bed. This much I agree with, which is why I avoid marriage at all costs. Now why would anyone say this to a young man approaching his first sexual experience? Do they tell this nonsense to the woman, too?

7) Sexual thoughts during sex negatively effect the health of the child and the purity of its soul. A man should think about Torah during sex. The New Age movement picked up on this little bit of kabalistic nonsense, and started their own version of it. Don’t get me started. Apparently, it’s more important to have the right thoughts while making the child than to have any thoughts about raising it. Once again, it’s all about conception and NOT pleasure.

8) Talking during sex is forbidden. Sex is apparently a mitzvah not to be taken lightly. It’s like a shmoneh esrei of sorts, only quicker. Since it was a mitzvah, I thought of course that my ex-wife, the ‘Machsheyfa Suprema’, would be eager to fulfill it, and often! Oh, wait. It’s not that kind of mitzvah. Sex is a mitzvah ‘sheh haz’man grama’. When is the z’man? Whenever she feels like it. If that happens to be never? Oh well.

9) Sex is a necessary evil. If we could make more Jews without it, all the better. See #1 through #8.

10) Missionary position only! If the woman gets on top that is considered perverse. The man is always on top. No doggy-style either. You will be hitting that booty one way and from only one direction. If you happen to have a copy of the Kama Sutra hidden behind your copy of Bava Kama, please discard it immediately. It won’t do you any good at all.

11) The act of sex is generally considered unclean and one may not pray if one has dried semen on his or her clothes. Women go to the mikveh before sex, but men go to mikveh after sex. If sex weren’t thought to be nasty, then why hit the mikveh? (Technically, a good shower is enough to remove the juices.)

I received no guidance before marriage other than what I gleaned from the Shulchan Aruch, Gemara, Kabala, or Chasidishe bubbe ma’asos. I asked a respected Rov what to expect and if this woman would be right for me and he said (I quote), “Don’t worry. It’s all pink inside.” He was giving me that ‘nod-nod-wink-wink’ sort of look, but he sounded dead serious! I wondered how he would know that being married to the same woman all his adult life. (For you fellows who don’t know it yet, every woman is anatomically different, albeit slightly. If you would follow rule #8 and concentrate on what you’re doing, you’d have noticed.)

Now I know there is lots of talk about how couples should interact and about Orthodox ideas about love and sex that sound very modern and enlightened. I’ve seen all kinds of books by the Chasidic media whores like Shmuel Boteach, and they provide me with a few minutes of humor at best. Let’s remember what the ‘source’ has to say about it, and not believe the spin and hype that the modern day Kiruv movement puts on sexual matters. Those hucksters will do and say anything to keep you interested. If ¾ of the men knew what they were getting themselves into beforehand, Aish HaTorah would have a hard time fielding a minyan.

As Yoinoson pointed out, the Chazal have deemed it necessary, even where the blood is not Dam Nidus (menstrual), to separate man and wife immediately after their first sexual enocounter together. That’s just cruel and unusual punishment. From the time I am 12 years old until the wedding night, all the while sitting on the worst case of ‘blue balls’ in recorded history, and I get to use it once? And then have to wait again? What kind of sadistic cruel nonsense is that? Yet, taken in context of what we’ve seen, I’m not surprised at all.

To be fair, there are passages and sayings that do speak outside the context of ‘conception- only’ thinking. There is one place that discusses sex during pregnancy offering advice on how sex could hurt or help the child grow. There is another that actually addresses the realities of faithfulness and love and how sex, even when outside of procreation, is necessary to form strong marital bonds and keep men in line. (See #9) The notion that all things can be worked out without physical contact is plain nonsense. That might be great for friendships, which marriage should be in part, but for husband and wife that sexual bond is part and parcel of their Shalom Bayis, and the special means by which they connect to the exclusion of all others.

To further the ‘conception-only’ idea is our Laws of Nidus. It is no coincidence that mikveh time falls out right around ovulation. To assume that Chazal didn’t intend it as so is to try and retrofit their words with modern thinking. They knew. They also knew how to control the people by controlling their relationships. A man would never pledge more allegiance to his wife (or his own penis) than he would to their authority. Many cults use sex as a means of control. Sadly, many spouses do, too.

You have to wonder at the lengths the Chazal went to in restricting and regulating sexual relations between married people, and how these rules and attitudes have effected our own sexuality. Most don’t know the difference so it’s no big deal. I think they are the lucky ones in a way. Until I had my first really good lay, I didn’t know it could be better either. Ignorance can be bliss sometimes because ignorance doesn’t create conflicts.

Kol Tuv