Am I Happy?

John Stuart Mill said “Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.” I came across this quote when reading the bibliography of another book I’m browsing, and ever since then, the truth of Mill’s words have been slowly, but surely, ringing true to me and, simultaneously, wringing yet another truth from me.

Humans have the unique ability to peer forward and back in time so far that we fall out of touch with our present; so much so, in fact, that fears or worries of future consequences stifle our living. Be it fear of loneliness, death, disliked relatives, or nuclear war, we humans find any number of ways to shield ourselves from feeling at peace. My cat has a good memory as well, and her experiences shape her interaction with certain person she trusts, others she doesn’t at present, and some that she never will. I doubt, however, that she somehow sits alone in the house worried sick should ever one of the latter two come to visit, nor is she devising any intricate proactive strategy to deter their comings.

I’m learning how to be like this cat a little more each day. I come home from a long day at work and she runs to the door mewing, clawing, and acting silly. My frustration disappears when she greets me, no matter what has occurred in my time away from her. It is more than just about her animal innocence. It’s her simplicity. She never asks if she’s happy, if I’m happy, if you’re happy, etc., because she doesn’t know what ‘happy’ means. She doesn’t have an active sense of ‘unhappiness’ gnawing at her psyche. I also don’t know what the word ‘happy’ means, so why can’t I be so simple?

We can look up the definition of any word, but using words to describe another word leads to the need for more words to explain how those words relate to the word you first wished to define. We have a common understanding of most words we use based upon their practical function, and for the sake of expediency we don’t stand around the gas pump arguing whether the ‘gas’ we wish to pump is gasoline derived from crude oil or gas derived from a few too many burritos and beer. ‘Happy’, on the other hand, is a word many people spend a great of their lives agonizing over, both in defining and finding it somehow, someway.

Happiness isn’t always attached to pleasure. Some find their pleasure in self-denial. Some believe that the ‘agonizing’ is our raison d’etre, and have constructed intricate paradigms and philosophies around its effects. I’m a practical sort of person. Maybe I’ll stop using the word ‘happy’ altogether, and see what comes of it. It is likely that one would stop seeing in terms of self, but in terms of the thing itself one is observing. It’s this ‘detachment’ from reflexive personal judgments that perhaps leads to the peace of mind so often associated with happiness.

Buddhism offers us Four Noble Truths. The First Truth states that “there is agonizing.” I know this one well. Mill’s words offer the source of this ‘agonizing’. Every time we ask ourselves if we are ‘happy’, we ratchet up our level of unhappiness to newer heights (or depths as it were), leaving more inquiry and leading us away from that simplicity that so exemplifies the ridiculously silly and moody Calico curled up in a ball at the foot of my futon. Just watching her sleep makes me drowsy.

"I exist as I am, that is enough.
If no other in the world be aware I sit content,
and if each and all be aware I sit content."
(W. Whitman, from Song of Myself)