The Art of Talking 'Shit'

Among the many things that one doesn’t learn about the real world when growing up in the Confucian-like, polite world of Orthodox Jewry is the art of talking ‘shit’, which is strictly forbidden by Jewish Law. Roughly defined, talking ‘shit’ is the ability to openly insult, malign, and ridicule others and their ancestors or progeny without incurring any negative fallout from the victim. This manner of communication is common in the blue-collar world where such banter helps ease the passing drudgery of a monotonous, routine workday. It is the only conversation left to have when the crew has run out of tasteless jokes, farts, and comments on the female anatomy. Truth be told, I never thought talking so much trash would be so useful and fun at the same time.

For the uninitiated, this may seem nastier than the usual office gossip that goes on out of earshot and behind other people’s backs in most business establishments. In fact, I have never worked in a school or office that didn’t have some level of serious political or social intrigue going on in the shadows. Yet, talking ‘shit’ is nowhere near as sinister and, when engaged in properly, can actually help form stronger bonds between colleagues. The beauty of talking ‘shit’ is that everyone does it to your face. The ability to give and take in good humor is essential to mastering the art. Sometimes, somebody is going to talk ‘shit’ at you and everyone is going to laugh their collective asses off at your expense. Don’t get emotional about it. All is fair in love, war, and talking ‘shit’, and your opportunity for revenge is right around the corner.

There are no sacred cows in the world of ‘shit.’ Any and all people, places, or things fall prey to it. If you have a family member with a disability, break an arm, divorce, or worse, do not expect the Shit-Talkers to give you any overt sympathy. If you do, you will be very disappointed. It’s not that they don’t care about you or your troubles, because they generally do, but the communication is through the ‘shit’ and not through hugs, handshakes, or scripted sentiments. The most you’d get from real tragedy is silence. I kind of prefer that, too. Words don’t ever say as much as the frustration that comes from the lack of something to say when it comes to condolences.

If you don’t want to be the victim of a verbal ‘shitting’, make sure never to make any mistakes at work or forget to wear something important i.e. socks or underwear. If you proposition a woman in front of the other crew and get a cold shoulder, be ready to endure years of ‘shit’ over that, as well. The Shit-Talkers have perfect memories, and whatever you do or don’t do will become the stuff of blue-collar legend. It’s likely that things as insignificant as a haircut, beard, age, choice of aftershave, or diet could also become subject of communal ridicule. If someone mispronounces your name, even once, you might as well answer to it, because that’s what you’ll be called henceforth. It is not for the faint of heart or the overly self-conscience. Those who can’t handle the ‘shit’ usually don’t stay in the job very long.

It’s just another life skill they don’t teach you in yeshiva.

"Digressions, objections, delight in mockery, and carefree mistrust are signs of health; everything unconditional belongs in pathology." (Nietzsche 1844-1900, from Beyond Good & Evil)