A Reader Bears His Soul

This is a letter received from an anonymous Boro Park resident via e-mail. I promised to maintain his anonymity, so parts of the letter have been edited out. I think he speaks for many of those, including myself, who were unhappy with the base materialism that forces the average Jew to spend well beyond his means for arbitrary social niceties, where Halacha does not require such extreme expenditures.

His words are italicized.

Hope all is well. I really enjoy your blog, and would like to tell you my story. My name is **** ********** and I live in Boro Park. I moved to BP from Brighton Beach. My dream was to live in a heimishe neighberhood. As you can tell from my last name that I am a 'chassidishe einekel'. Although I was brought up 'modern-chareidi' and went to yeshivashe schools, I appreciated and longed for the 'varmth' of the chassidishe world. In 1974 I went to Israel to search for the 'Holy Grail'. During that summer, I went to all types of yeshivas as diverse as Ohr Somayach and Toldos Aharon (Reb Ahrelech).

I ended up in the Breslov Yeshiva in Jerusalem. There was an American Breslover rabbi (he was clean-shaven) who was teaching American yeshiva boys. I flipped head over heals for Breslov. The main reasons were as follows: a. I was able to dress the way I wanted (nobody pressured you to change) b. Reb Nachman’s teaching to be b'simcha all the time, and c) the humility of the Breslovers and the emphasis that god desires a broken heart – “lev nishba vnidca elohim lo sivza.”

Well, I moved to BP in 1987 and started davening in the Breslov Shul on 16 Av. Many chassidim from Israel who were collecting for Hachnassas Kalla davened in the shtiebel. I got very close to one of the older Israeli chassidim and offered to help him collect on Purim night. As we were driving around, I asked him if he was close to having all the expenses for the wedding. His answer was that all of the expenses were, thank G-d, taken care of except for the matonos (gifts). So I asked him B'tmimus (like the tamavate that I was), “You mean getting a Shas and a new Talis for your future son-in-law, right?” He looked at me like I was from the planet Mars and answered that he has to get that plus cuff-links, menorah for Chanuka, Megilla for Purim, fancy Esrog box for Sukkas etc. etc. ad nauseum.

I was very depressed that evening. What kind of a mentally-challanged society do we have that can do this to a poor g'preigelte Yid ????

I then started looking outside the religion, and have found many non-Jewish and non-religious friends. I plan to tell my wife next week that I am not religious anymore. I don't know how she will react or if I will be telling my children. I am working with a therapist and taking things one step at a time. I have so much more to say but I think that's it for now.

Please feel free to discuss these issues on your blogs (as long as you keep my anonymity).

Wishing you both the very best’

I remember being in the same situation when I was a chosson. My personal tastes gravitate toward the simple and uncommon. For me to be carrying around the same farputzde tallis zekel or esrog box as everyone else would be degrading, so I exempted my future shverr from purchasing anything of that nature for me. He did purchase a Shas for me, but I exchanged it for a Kehasi Mishnayos and a couple extra tallis kotons. I already had a well-worn Shas of my own, filled with notes and questions along the margins. I still shop for myself and really dislike it when others shop for me without my consent. I’d prefer to spend my own money and be happier with the purchase. I was already very much put off by the commonality and materialism the engulfed my chaverim and the insistence of their future wives on amenities and luxuries these guys couldn’t possibly afford.

There are all this little ‘minhagim’ that the rich can do because they are rich. The rest of us try our damnedest to mimic them, going through all kinds of twists and turns to look like we have something to show off. Why must a family go into debt or have to beg when the Torah does not require that kind of expense? What kind of lazy schnorrer is this fellow’s daughter going to marry that he can’t even pick out his own tallis zekkel? Or that he insists that such insane demands be met? Should the man not be man enough to purchase his own Megillah? Cufflinks? Where in Shulchan Aruch is that required? Have we gone mad?

I agree with the writer, though I don’t think this is a valid excuse to run off from Yiddishkeit altogether. About 90% of the world is phony anyhow. There isn’t much truth in advertising anywhere. Mr. ***** ******, as much as I echo his sentiments, should simply find those people who are truly sincere, associate with them, and ignore the others. That is hard work no matter what religion or philosophy one follows, but it’s worth losing a million fair-weather acquaintances in order to gain one good friend.

There are so many sincere, honest, and truly spiritual people in Boro Park and everywhere else. Not everyone is so materialistic, even when many in the community seem to worship it. The people that feel they have to “keep up with the Halberstams” or need to put on a show, should be welcome to do so, but please Reb ****** ****! Do not blame Yiddishkeit for the problem. It’s not exclusive to Judaism.

“To live content with small means, to seek elegance rather than luxury, and refinement rather than fashion. To be worthy, not respectable, and wealthy, not rich, to study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly, to listen to stars and birds, to babes and sages, with open heart, to bear all cheerfully, do all bravely, await occasions, hurry never, in a word to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious, grow up through the common, this is to be my symphony.” (William Henry Channing)