Bitchin Bout Birthdays

“There are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart's desire. The other is to get it.” George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950, "Man and Superman" (1903)

As a child I heard it said, “Be suspicious of anyone who does you a favor you neither need nor ask for.” There was a prevailing attitude that most people have ulterior motives for their actions, sometimes based in guilt or, most likely, they are trying to hustle you in the process. This hyperbolic cynicism regarding human interactions is still alive and well, in spite of my acknowledging that this borderline paranoia is often misplaced. I also realized that those who promoted such an attitude were more or less projecting their own inner machinations than offering a true representation of reality. I was doing nice things for others simply out of love or friendship and there were no ulterior motives other than for the happiness of the people I cared about. Why wouldn’t others do the same?

Any woman daring enough to be in a relationship with me will tell you that I am not always the easiest person to live with. In my own mind, I am not too demanding or high maintenance, though I can be a lot of emotional work because of my moodiness. I don’t ask that people fulfill mundane tasks for me i.e. cooking, cleaning, anal sex, money laundering, brain surgery, etc. I do, however, have a list of things that I ask not be done on my behalf, or at least not without my input. I assume that if you love or like someone that you would not insist on doing things for them that they don’t want or like. It’s called respecting the others persons wishes. I also won’t demand anyone leap off buildings or performs miracles on my behalf. Quite the opposite is true! I would be angry if someone did! If one can accomplish such amazing feats, there are others on this planet more in need and more worthy of them than I. Don’t waste it on me. I’m doing fine.

This applies year round. Birthdays included. No excuses.

Now I realize that asking some people not to do something they think is required or nice to do is like asking them to shoot a puppy at point blank range in public. Normal people (I’m not one of those) enjoy what most other people enjoy. There is nothing wrong with that. These people, however, cannot seem to comprehend that during holidays, birthdays, or when I’m just not in the right state of mind for camaraderie, that they need to leave me the f*ck alone. Solitude and quiet is the gift I desire for my birthday. If you care about what I want, especially when considering that it requires only a passive effort on your part and no expenditure, then please do as I ask. Is it that hard?

(Number 1 on my list of things not to do is: Don’t make me enjoy something that I don’t want to enjoy. It is likely that I will end up enjoying it, and then you’ll have made me feel awkward for not having enjoyed it until now. )

I did not have birthday parties growing up. In my family it wasn’t done, and I never missed them. I didn’t go to birthday parties of other kids either. I think those parties are stupid, and nothing more than an excuse to demand unwarranted sacrifices from other people. The mere fact that I have survived for yet another abstract stretch of psychological construct (considering my personality that’s a miracle) does not entitle me to any honors. All I have done is inhale, exhale, and consume consistently enough over the past year to maintain an active level of consciousness.

Now, I don’t mind being remembered once a year by those who seldom see me, and I’m learning to make accommodation for those who love me and those who send money. Birthday parties and gifts are not required. Cards are not really necessary. I don’t need a cake or any stupid party hats. I don’t need any of it. (However, gifts of sex, money, or marijuana are accepted year-round and for any reason.)

For those of you who love me and those who wonder why they love me, thank you for thinking about me and being my friend. There is never a time that I take that love and caring for granted, though these sympathies appear to be forming a disturbing pattern. As one of my friends said, “I’m going to celebrate your birthday just to piss you off!” I get that a lot. It apparently causes a great deal of joy to other people when they can push my buttons. I think I will be spreading a lot of ‘joy’ this year.

Things could be worse.