On Holiday Greetings

As a result of the “War on Christmas” rhetoric of the Republican talking heads on television and in radio, there has developed the notion that atheists or non-monotheists are somehow offended by the mention of Christmas, Chanukah, Kwaanza, Eid, Saturnalia, etc. This ‘War on Christmas” is as much of a canard as is the war in Iraq. It is nothing more than a talking point used to inflame the already over-sensitive into political action. It is very difficult to convince a paranoid person that he or she isn’t being targeted for disaster, but I’m going to try anyway.

Attention all religious zealots! There is no “War on Christmas.” All we ask is that you NOT use the government or public property as a place or means to promote your own personal religious beliefs. I have no problem with the tacky Christmas displays on my neighbor’s lawn or in front of his church. I do not care how I am greeted when entering a mega-store. That a person assumes I am Christian because we live in an overwhelmingly Christian-populated nation does not offend me and I feel no need to correct anyone for making that assumption. You can say ‘Merry Christmas’ or ‘Happy Chanukah” to me and I’ll tell you to have one also. I really do want everyone to be merry and happy. It’s a much nicer world that way.

This is the first year I can remember where dozens of people apologized to me for not knowing how to greet the “man who celebrates nothing”. Some mentioned ‘Chanukah’ and then back-pedaled off that, some said ‘Christmas’ and then stood dumbstruck as if they’d inadvertently confessed to killing a beloved pet or extra-marital affair. Each and every holiday greeting was prefaced with disclaimers and followed with apologies. Some even asked, “So what do you celebrate?” I did absolutely nothing to bring about this extraneous dialogue, yet somehow I come away feeling that people see me as some sort of Grinch.

The real problem I have with the holiday season is the over-decoration and commercialism. That isn’t a religious or philosophical issue at all. Whether it’s the long lines at the store, the blinking lights, the constant advertising for months on end, the electronic singing Santas, or battery operated dogs barking ‘Jingle Bells’, it is just to damned noisy for my tastes. I feel a strong sense of relief when the commercialism of Christmas is finally over and life gets back to normal. Now, if I can get my neighbor to take down his ten foot Santa before Memorial Day, I will have achieved one small victory in my personal war on noisy and bright displays that stay up way past their period of purpose.

At the risk of foregoing the sadistic pleasure of keeping my coworkers and friends utterly confused as to my beliefs about anything at any given time, I have publicly announced my true feelings on the matter. As long as the world becomes a friendlier place and the food and alcohol remain free of charge, I’m happy, too. Think of me as the cat or dog you would pet and maybe offer a treat; the beast having no concept of temporal references or events and is just happy to receive the affection. As long you don’t force me to wear antlers and pull a toboggan, it is unlikely that I would ever feel offended.

Greet me as you will, and I’ll wish you and yours the very best in return. The very best is the very least we all deserve.