Suspicion Over Easy

While sitting at my favorite greasy spoon this morning and having my usual three eggs and hash browns, I overheard a conversation going on at the table directly behind me. Four women were locked in a heated discussion regarding the husband of one of the participants. It seems that after ten years of happy marriage, this man has suddenly started working out, grooming better, and buying new clothes. Though nothing else about his day to day routine altered even one bit; he was home every night, treated his wife the same as always, and there was no change in his work schedule, this man’s wife was nevertheless convinced that her husband was cheating on her or was planning to do so. Her friends naturally supported this theory, lack of evidence notwithstanding. I suspect that poor man is going to get a ‘talking to’ when she gets home, providing she speaks to him at all.

Now I don’t blame her for being a little suspicious over her husband’s new-found habits. It is common knowledge that when a man, at 40-something years old, begins to alter his appearance that something sinister might be motivating that change. Then again, maybe not. I am a creature of habit, and though I go through periods where I may try a new haircut or maybe buy a new dress shirt, it isn’t ever reason for suspicion. A man when he reaches his 40’s is likely to start reminiscing about his youth, his hair, and his libido. Seeing those things slip away isn’t any comfort at all and takes all the fun right out of aging.

There are lots of reasons this man is making changes. Maybe the guy just wants to look good and feel healthier. Maybe he has a friend who had a heart attack at forty and he doesn’t want the same thing to happen to him. Maybe he started working out, lost some weight and needs to buy some new clothes. Maybe he has seen too many advertisements chocked full of great looking guys with six-pack abs and full heads of thick dark hairs and he’s just a little jealous of all the attention they get. Maybe he is finally admitting that treating himself to a manicure is nice and it doesn’t mean he’s gay. Maybe he’s hoping that his wife notices and it turns up the ‘heat’ in their relationship.

The double standard of it all is what bothers me. Every one of these women worry about their weight, their hair color, their hair style, their clothing, their nails, and how they appear to other men and women on a daily, if not hourly basis, and if we were to accuse them of plotting some infidelity, they would protest vehemently and then attack us for attacking them! So why is it that women can engage in these behaviors day in and day out without garnering any suspicion, but men who do it, even once, all of the sudden become criminals? Sheesh.

I think this woman is just insecure. Maybe she needs to start working out, too, and she figures she never will and she doesn’t want him to either. She got used to her husband being a little overweight and wearing the same old dirty t-shirt every day. She’s probably been complaining about that stupid t-shirt for ten years and likely begged him a hundred times to throw it out and, when he finally submits, she gets all worried that he’s cheating on her. Damned if we do. Damned if we don’t. Men cannot get a break.

My advice to this woman is the following:

“Go directly home. Tell your husband how good he looks and how much you like the changes. Then fuck his brains out. Stop listening to your dumb-ass friends and do not allow this drama to escalate into a divorce until you have solid, irrefutable evidence that he is doing something wrong.”