When Pink Makes Me Blue : A Rant and a Half

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

http://shadchun.blogspot.com/2006/03/what-makes-men-chase-women-they-have.html

The question is only a question if marriage is the goal. In most scenarios, the man (or woman) is only interested in having a good time and then maybe sex. Marriage is not the only reason to date. I realize the question was posed by a frumme yid, so one has to consider the source. Let’s stick to marriage.

The assumption is made that a religious Jewish woman won’t hunt or chase a potential mate. My experience betrays this. Women, and I include shikzas, too, are not innocent bystanders or passive players in this game of love and marriage. Many know exactly what they want before they meet it and, unlike the big game hunter, they won’t settle for a two-pointer. Women are just more subtle. The man carries a gun and stalks around the forest in disguise as a something innocuous and safe, perhaps a tree or shrub to fool his prey. The woman, on the other hand, lays a perfect trap that only catches a very specific kind of prey. She only shows up later to pick up her ‘kill.’

Men, on the other hand, aren’t as discriminating. Unless there are rules about what they are allowed to shoot, they might just fire upon anything that happens by, be it a doe, fawn, or fellow hunter. A lot of guys can’t tell the difference between a good woman and a bad one, in particular those raised in religious Jewish homes. In my childhood, the good and the bad were separated only by their sectarian affiliation, and even that didn’t really matter. As one Rabbi so eloquently put it, “They’re all pink inside.” To say that a girl or a boy is quality material depends a good deal upon impressions based on the child’s molding themselves to the norms of the community, but has no bearing on their real personalities. It is assumed if they follow the rules, then they must not be crazy.

Now I was told that my ex-wife was of good midos, chinuch, and yichus. Question should have been asked “According to whom?” First of all, too many people refrain from loshen hara when it counts, and if there is something not so good to say about a potential shidduch, the time to say it is before the chasuna and not afterwards. Secondly, her family couldn’t be counted on to tell the truth because they were obviously biased. The bias has a few possible causes; they are ignorant of her faults, they don’t see her faults as faults per se, or they fully acknowledge her faults and cannot wait to find a sucker willing to marry their darling little machsheyfa so they can show the world she’s not such a crazy bitch after all. That accomplishment vindicates them from suspicion of being lousy parents. Thirdly, how well would the shadchan or Rov know her? Exactly how many hours did they spend with this woman to know?

I suspect a lot of shidduchim come about through the very discriminate application loshen hara or rechilus. You hear a story about Yossele being a little ‘vihld’ or Chanele having an ‘episode’ and all of the sudden you have a shidduch in the making. Screw up enough and you can be guaranteed that your spouse will be crazier than you are. If you are known to make trouble, more trouble will be arranged to make your entire life an abject hell. It is rare that a shidduch is made in order to ‘straighten out’ another by marriage to a better person. That is if one can define ‘better.’

Theorem of Orthodox Jewish marriage:

Problem child + Problem child = Good marriage (der Aybeshter zol helfen)

Problem child x Problem child = Problems skip a generation (say lots of tehillim just in case)

Problem child – Problem child = It must be his fault! Always his fault!

I’m actually still quite mad about the choice of shidduchim I was offered. What does that say about how my mishpocho viewed me that they would allow their son to marry such a machsheyfa? Didn’t anyone know the mechutanim and their meshugassin? What were they thinking? Did they think that I was going to straighten her out? Or was it the other way around? Was my father so afraid that I was going to elope with some Puerto Rican chica from my English Lit. course that he rushed to accept any shidduch offered?

Many shidduchim rely on the reputation of the family the person comes from. I was raised pretty much as an only child so I missed out on the phenomena of having brothers and sisters around. Fact is, that men and women are treated differently everywhere, including religious Jewish women. Some parents and communities have very different perceptions and norms for women than they do men, in addition to the natural affinity and over protectiveness that is showered upon girls. Even goyishe parents do this.

This problem of reputations becomes compounded by the simple fact that you can’t tell personality by parents, money, by intelligence, good looks, or where they went to school as to the real personality of the person. Having the above mentioned things will make life easier for anyone, but it’s no guarantee of sanity. Lots of people are chameleons; they change colors quickly going from home to office to shul. A big tzadik in public could very well be a child abuser at home. The shmendrik with the worn out tallis gadol and the frumpy wife might just be producing offspring that are tremendously affectionate and caring people.

Unfortunately, I was raised with few women in my childhood, and the few there were, despite their overwhelming love and influence, were aged and none survived into my adolescent years. I didn’t have the coaching or the knowledge to make a good choice for myself. I had to rely on others, and they let me down. Big time. All I knew was that women, in the words of the Rov, were all ‘pink’ inside. If I only knew now what I didn’t know then.

I’ve always wondered how he knew that?