Familiarity Breeds Contempt (Avos 1:5)

1:5 “Yose ben Yochanan, man of Jerusalem, says: Allow your home to be wide open, treat the poor as you would your own children, and don’t talk too much to the wife. (This ends the words of YbY and the compiler adds a few notes of his own.) They said this even regarding one’s own wife. How much more it applies when referring to someone else’s! From here the Sages conclude that anyone who engages in conversation with the wife causes evil to himself, neglects the Torah, and his end will be in Hell.”

We covered the first part of Yose ben Yochanan’s dictum (charity with dignity) and now we move to the second (or third) portion in which he warns us not to engage in too much conversation with women. The connection of the first and second part of the mishnah should be obvious. Yose ben Yochanan is telling us that when offering lodging and food, something which is primarily the responsibility of the household matron; the man should only engage in conversation pertaining to the mitzvah at hand and not beleaguer her or the guests with idle conversation. At least this is how it is usually explained.

I have more practical explanation along the same logic. When Janice and I entertain, which is rare, I do my best to help her out with whatever needs to be done in the kitchen, and the more I talk to her, the angrier she gets and eventually , when her patience is worn down, she tells me to disappear until summoned by her at some later time. Maybe it’s just not a good idea for the man to be hanging around the kitchen trying to offer suggestions. She knows what she’s doing, so I shut up. Unfortunately, I don’t believe this is what Yose ben Yochanan and the later rabbis are suggesting.

The ancient Jewish attitude toward women has always been highly misogynistic. Judaism was a patriarchal, polygamous society even up into the rabbinic era. Men had total control of the religion, the home, and the nation. The Torah tells us of the Sotah (Numbers 5:11-31), a woman suspected without proof of being unfaithful to her husband. She is publicly humiliated in various ways, as if she is already guilty, and never permitted to offer one word in her own defense. The apparent disdain for wives began even before Moshe decided what to do on behalf of insecure husbands. Among the laws concerning assault and battery of individuals (Exodus 21), be they slaves or fellow free Israelites, never once does it forbid a husband, or set specific damages, for spousal abuse. Slaves, in ancient Israel had more rights and protections than did married women. This misogynistic trend found its way into the daily prayer books as well. Each morning, men recite the blessing “Blessed are…….for not making me a woman.” (The opening lyrics to the country classic “Stand By Your Man” come to mind.)

Even in the language of our Mishnah we see a marked disrespect of women in general. Yose ben Yochanan does not refer to the woman as “his wife” (ishto), but as “the woman”, not even wanting to attach himself in a personal way to the bearer of his children and keeper of his household. It seems as if “the woman” is to be treated as an inanimate object or, at best, as an employee or servant.

Nevertheless, I do find some logic in Yose ben Yochanan’s words. If we take into consideration the time and place of the statement is makes more sense. There is no doubt that the man is, legally and socially, the ‘king of his castle’ in ancient Israel. Wives are the property of their husbands and culturally bound to fulfill his needs and desires (within certain limits). In order for the man to maintain his position of authority, he must not become too familiar with those he has to govern and manage. It works the same way in business and the military. It is quite rare to find a manager or officer who can be completely friendly and open with subordinates and continue to maintain his authority over them. As they say “Familiarity breeds contempt”, and Yose ben Yochanan wants the man to know that if, in the midst of all the pressure involved, he cracks and looses his composure or tells his wife about the stress he currently undergoes, she would lose respect for him as an authority figure. Yose ben Yochanan assumes that if a wife were to ever know her husband’s vulnerabilities that she would lose respect for him and possibly manipulate those weaknesses to her own advantage.

In his defense, there are, in fact, many wives who would do just that given the opportunity. The irony is that many women who manipulate vulnerabilities come from authoritarian households to begin with, and learn early on, albeit subconsciously, that power figures cannot be directly challenged yet can be defied through more passive aggressive tactics. This means that her behavior away from him would become vastly different from her behavior in his presence. An efficient authority figure can manage from a distance, as long as he shows no sign of weakness. Too much intimacy and conversation with a wife becomes, according to Yose ben Yochanan, an indicator of a flimsy family structure. (It is also apparent that Yose ben Yochanan had some vulnerabilities of his own.)

In light of the contextual, situational, and cultural factors, it seems that this explanation aptly suits the words of Yose ben Yochanan.

Kol Tuv