May 28, 2006

An Identity You Shouldn't Steal



While at the gym last Friday night, an attractive middle-aged woman climbed up onto the treadmill to me and as she began her workout she stared rather intently in my direction. It’s routine for gym members and staff to ‘check each other out’ so I thought nothing of it until she made serious, lasting eye-contact with me. Not one to imagine myself the object of any woman’s deepest sexual desires, I was forced at that point to ask “Excuse me, but is something wrong?”

She answered “No. Not at all! I was just wondering. Is your name, by chance, Gary?”

“Well, if you have money for Gary or something else pleasurable in mind, then yes, my name could be Gary.” I replied jokingly.

She understood right away that I wasn’t Gary and she smiled, laughed a little and then said “No. No. Nothing like that. Gary was an old friend of our family and we haven’t seen him for ages. You look just like him.”

“Really?” I asked. “Is this Gary a nice fellow?”

“Yes. Why yes he is! Nicest guy in the world.”

“Then I am honored to be mistaken for him! But let’s hope and pray he is never confused for me! That wouldn’t be fair to poor Gary!” I certainly wouldn’t wish my sullied and noxious reputation bestowed upon such a fine and beloved soul.

If this woman was handing me a pick-up line, I missed it completely. If she wasn’t, it is likely that I posed the sort of self-deprecating witticism she could not grasp having not grown up in environs where false humility is a roundabout way of showing conceit.. That would easily explain the ensuing twenty minutes of perfect silence between us for the course of our exercising. Either way, I can only hope that people will utter similar praises regarding my character, when I remain away, that they do about the adored and very much sought after Gary in his own absence.

It’s doubtful though.

Kol Tuv

5 Comments:

At 8:02 PM , Blogger DAG said...

I love it..so true,,only in judaism is fake humility really conceit

 
At 8:50 PM , Blogger Shlomo Leib Aronovitz said...

Dag,

There is a famous story about a group of Rabbis debating as to which among them was the "grezte onov" (most humble).

The transcript of the proceedings would have sounded something like this:

"I am the most humble."

"No! It's me!"

"How arrogant of you to think that you could be more humble than I!"

And so forth.

Orthodox Judaism does not permit it's membership to say anything good about themselves as individuals. If a a yeshiva says something a innocuous as "I understand that sugya", he is derided with comments like "What? You think you're the Vilna Gaon now? You don't know anything!"

Even if you have good quailities and abilities, you aren't permitted to say so. I think it comes from a 'must do' rather than 'can do' attitude.

 
At 8:52 PM , Blogger Shlomo Leib Aronovitz said...

Mirty,

More than one Mirty? Wow. What a lucky time we live in!

 
At 9:37 PM , Blogger dbs said...

I heard the story as:

One day, during the Yommim Noroyim, the rebbe was being me'arich his tefila. He raised his arms to heaven and intoned, over and over again,

"Ich bin ah gornisht...Ich bin ah gornisht..."

In the back of the shul, a humble yid was also davening. He too raised his hands and said "Ich bin ah gornisht..."

One of the mispallelim turn to another, gestured towards the poor yid, and said depricatingly, "look who thinks HE's a gornisht.

Self depricating humor, especially when used in social situations, is probably a defense mechanism which protects us from feeling bad upon rejection. Well, that's how I use it, anyway.

It's terrible, but after all these years, I still can't help investing some self-esteem in how a girl responds to my flirting.

A better percentage play to tell her that she's got a nice ass and ask for her number.

 
At 1:29 AM , Blogger Shlomo Leib Aronovitz said...

dbs,

That is also true. As I said in the post "Not one to imagine myself the object of any woman’s deepest sexual desires..."

It can also help diffuse/deflect anger as well. It can be very disarming in potential conflict. In wolf packs, the 'omega' is the one expected/forced by the others to take on this role.

For Jews, everyone is required to display this self-deprecation in homage to the impefections that we project onto each other. One cannot ever be frumm enough, smart enough, pretty enough, or rich enough and no matter how hard you try, it will never be enough. (This is a huge reason that I eventually had enough.)

Self-deprecation is shoved down your psyche and those who cannot display it are called 'baa'lei ga'avah'. So anivus becomes the unattainable trait and the public facade while becoming conflated with the ga'avah that lurks behind closed doors inthe resentments toward those who do a better job acting humble.

I won't deny that it is useful and I am glad to have a sense of humor about myself that permits me use self-deprecation in any odf the ways mentioned. What I reject is Judaism's forcing this self-deprecation as a means of social control meant to instill blind loyalty to those who are perceived as truly 'humble'.

 

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