For Yoeli (An Open Letter)

"The Lonely Explorer"

This letter is came about as a result of a series of fictional (or not so fictional) tales of the times and trials of ‘Yoel’ (or Joel as he likes to be called now), a Chasidic man who seeks to escape his roots and is experiencing ‘golus’(exile) from the familiar for the first time. The stories, written and posted by Reb Shtreimel, are a gritty, realistic, and thought evoking accounts of the challenges that face many people in and out of the Orthodox world. Many thanks to Reb Shtreimel and many others whose comments on this subject helped me to put into words what has been rattling around in my head for so long.

Dear Yoeli,

Ok. So you've decided to frei out. You've had enough of whatever it is about your life as a frumme yid that you can't stand a moment longer being part of the kehilla. So what's next? That unanswerable question of ‘what's next’ is biggest problem you’re going to face. You won’t even know what to plan for, let alone how to react to it when it happens. Talk about being ‘tinuk shenishba’! You know there is a golus, and you know what goes on in golus, you’ve been commuting to work and yeshiva every day through golus, but as far as actively emigrating and integrating into golus, you have to become a little bit of the golus itself, and that, my friend, holds more surprises than first-time parenting.

Ok. You’re a Jew and you’re probably a smart guy. Lots of Jews already in Golus doing ok for themselves. Yet, you forget that most of them were born there. It’s different being a wide-eyed immigrant where you imagine the streets are paved with pritzus, intellectual freedom, and brutal honesty. I can promise you that is not the case. There are as many closed minded backward Neanderthals in golus as there are in New Square, and just as many people to tell you one thing and mean another. Admittedly, your chances of getting laid are better out here, but sooner or later that holds no personal rewards either.

It’s easy for a ba’al teshuva coming to Yiddishkeit. If he is confused about how to behave all he has to do is pick up a Kitzur Shulchan Aruch, call his Chabad Rabbi, or visit a halachically approved website for instruction. What sort of operations manual does one get when entering golus? Answer? There is none. You have to rely on yourself, and you will have no idea what to expect, even if you’ve encountered it in your former charedi style. You will be on the other side of the counter now, trying to hawk the same old wares with a different marketing style. Though it can be fun, it won’t be easy if your attitude isn’t readjusted for golus mentality. That takes time.

I am open about some of the issues that I dealt with in my new-found freedom. These were not petty little annoyances, even if they are sometimes funny stories or told in an entertaining fashion. There was a lot of pain involved in living those times, and the conflicting emotions still prevail. I might be good at being a sheygitz now, but so what? It just means that I’ve become intimate with 100s of behaviors that I might be better off not living around. Sometimes, the more of a sheygitz I try to be, the more of the Jew I become. You move to golus and thoughts of home will always haunt you, because golus has no purpose, no unity, and no continuity. Those happen to be the things I LIKE about golus, but for many, this just drives the discontent further down into the psyche. You are used to having meaning to your life and it’s easier to quit heroin than it is to stop searching for meaning. I mean that.

There is a saying that goes “Wherever you go, there you are.” Whatever it is that bothers you right now, might follow you into golus, if you don’t recognize it and get rid of it beforehand. The same problems that create issues for you on the inside will create the same problems on the outside, except that on the outside, those problems remain personal and not institutional. I am still very much the same man I was when I went to the mikveh every morning, davened a long shmoneh esrey, and stayed up late at the kollel. My behavior has changed, but my personality has not. If you are unhappy there, golus can offer you nothing but unbounded escapes and distractions from your personal unhappiness, and even if your complaints against the kehilla are justified (most are), personally there will be no advantage for you to leave. Having fun is not a cure for unhappiness. Do not be fooled by appearances, there is as much suffering and pain out here as anywhere else, probably more.

Someday, long after you have shed every last vestige of who you think you didn’t want to be, you will secretly, or maybe not so secretly, once again yearn for the touch of the person who understands that part of you. It is not likely you will ever find that person in the places you are thinking of moving to. Ultimately, you have to decide that whatever you are going to live without for now, will be something that you’ll have to surrender forever.

Are you prepared for that?

Sincerely,

One Who Knows From Experience

If you know someone who is contemplating becoming like Yoeli, send him/her a copy of this letter, give him/her a non-judgmental shoulder to lean on, and listen compassionately.